About My Current State

I completely failed during one of my dog training sessions because I'm not doing well and was having problems remembering even 3 simple steps. I loved working with that dog but I just couldn't focus. I set myself up for failure and now I truly feel like one. I'm in such a bad place that I worry about my success and future as a dog trainer. I feel worthless and stupid.

I tried hanging out with my friends yesterday to not be so isolated. It ended up going poorly, and I was rapid cycling the entire time. They never took my requests to stop the playful nagging seriously. I think I was really short with them. I feel like I can't trust anyone to take me seriously or understand the hell I go through. It was awful and now I don't feel comfortable around my good friends whom I otherwise adore. I was so shitty to them and I feel like I don't deserve anyone. The obligatory "we had a good time tonight" and "thanks for driving" made me feel worse, because in my eyes, I ruined it for everyone and they were just being nice. We usually hang out every Wednesday, but today I am so worried and I don't feel like showing my pathetic face to the very people I couldn't deal with last night. They don't deserve the shitty way I treated them. No one does.

I missed the super blue blood moon eclipse last night because I was just so mentally exhausted, and now I hate myself for missing something I really wanted to see. This is a seemingly small thing but I really didn't want to miss it.

I've been so depressed and my doctor wanted me to wait 2 weeks to make any changes. I said I could not wait that long, so we're waiting a week instead. I worry that I won't be okay for the next weeks and am doubting I ever developed positive coping strategies in the first place. I have since gone off the medication I felt was making it worse, and it has resulted in the rapid cycling I experience last night with my friends.

No matter how much I try, I cannot focus on my dog training curriculum. I have read the same 20 pages 3 times and I still can't remember a single word of it. How am I possibly going to get through this successfully?

I did not want to get out of bed today. I feel like the whole world is against me, including myself. I don't know what to do or how to handle myself. I can't even keep it cool with my friends. It's been awhile since I've felt this lost and helpless. I'm so miserable and I just want to stop feeling like this.

About Abusive Boyfriends

he thinks she is being disrespectful? he doesn't even know what the fuck that word means. and then my ex commented on his status. he doesn't even know how to treat a woman right, he deserves NO respect.

they dont matter at all. he is an insignificant asshole, as is my ex. they never will understand, and for that i hope they never get a chance to ever find "happiness" in a woman again.

and what the fuck is this "love" theyre talking about? this is love?

well fuck me.

they dont know how to spell love, much less say it. they couldn't even see it in a dictionary and understand it. (lol)

they need to back the FUCK up.

(OLD) About Listening

First off, I hate when people say they know someone better than I do, when it really isn't true at all. Also, I dont care if you've known him longer than me, because I sure as heck know that I love him a lot more than you do. And don't think that knowing someone longer is really a reason to know more about them, because I'm pretty sure I know a LOT more about him than you do.

I also really hate how no one ever listens to me.

I hate when people make light of what has happened to me in the past. IDK if you guys realized this, but he SCARES me, a lot. And I don't think that what he has done to me is to be taken lightly. I may say that "I don't care," but I really do. You people don't even realize how it makes me feel when you mention him, or even when he's like 50 feet away from me. You don't even notice how my expression changes, how I start to breathe faster, how uncomfortable I become. It's ridiculous... Why do I even call you my friends? (For the few out there who really know me and understand, thank you. This whole thing isn't for you. You know who you are.) I hate him SO much, and no one seems to even care, except for my few actual friends. I hate it when people call me silly, and blame me for everything that HE did. Yeah, okay, he seems like a nice guy. Sure, but you don't know the real him. Not at all. The real him is mean, controlling, and above all - abusive. That's how people like him are; they hide what they really are. They act nice, and wait until you trust them, and then guess what? You get done to you what's happened to me. I REALLY could care less if he is your "friend" because he sure as hell is NOT a nice person. He is genuinely, a BAD person at heart. And if you try to argue with me and say he's a great guy, that I have NO idea what I'M talking about, then screw it, you're obviously not my friend, because you don't understand, and you never will. And guess what, I bet some of you reading this right now think I'm trying to get revenge; trying to get back at him or trying to make him look bad. Well the truth? I'M NOT. He just did some pretty awful things to me and I'm not afraid to let people know what happened. Again, this is just another goddamn thing that you people won't listen to me about. I don't know why I don't just shut my mouth, because no one ever listens. Why should I bother? You tell me.

Thanks a lot, "friends."