I completely failed during one of my dog training sessions because I'm not doing well and was having problems remembering even 3 simple steps. I loved working with that dog but I just couldn't focus. I set myself up for failure and now I truly feel like one. I'm in such a bad place that I worry about my success and future as a dog trainer. I feel worthless and stupid.
I tried hanging out with my friends yesterday to not be so isolated. It ended up going poorly, and I was rapid cycling the entire time. They never took my requests to stop the playful nagging seriously. I think I was really short with them. I feel like I can't trust anyone to take me seriously or understand the hell I go through. It was awful and now I don't feel comfortable around my good friends whom I otherwise adore. I was so shitty to them and I feel like I don't deserve anyone. The obligatory "we had a good time tonight" and "thanks for driving" made me feel worse, because in my eyes, I ruined it for everyone and they were just being nice. We usually hang out every Wednesday, but today I am so worried and I don't feel like showing my pathetic face to the very people I couldn't deal with last night. They don't deserve the shitty way I treated them. No one does.
I missed the super blue blood moon eclipse last night because I was just so mentally exhausted, and now I hate myself for missing something I really wanted to see. This is a seemingly small thing but I really didn't want to miss it.
I've been so depressed and my doctor wanted me to wait 2 weeks to make any changes. I said I could not wait that long, so we're waiting a week instead. I worry that I won't be okay for the next weeks and am doubting I ever developed positive coping strategies in the first place. I have since gone off the medication I felt was making it worse, and it has resulted in the rapid cycling I experience last night with my friends.
No matter how much I try, I cannot focus on my dog training curriculum. I have read the same 20 pages 3 times and I still can't remember a single word of it. How am I possibly going to get through this successfully?
I did not want to get out of bed today. I feel like the whole world is against me, including myself. I don't know what to do or how to handle myself. I can't even keep it cool with my friends. It's been awhile since I've felt this lost and helpless. I'm so miserable and I just want to stop feeling like this.
